Monthly Archives: April 2013

the escape route


Today has been a shit day. I spend all my energy on staying calm so i dont get stressed out, so the dyslexia doesnt get in the way so im not pressured, only to be shouted at about pointless things that dont matter. All i wanted to do is get the fucking assignment in, so after i was nicely offered to hurry up by 8 i did, but what blew it and sent me into a free fall of energy was i get shouted at and accused of being stupid because i didn’t see the point of putting a tape onto an assignment sheet because of fear of the slight possibility of the disk falling out in transit from one assignment box to another.

I could only just about handle that. I could feel my head going into overload mode as i’ve not been feeling too well today so I’ve been extra crabby but i took everyone else’s stresses today into consideration. But today has all been about poinless things like the need to label genres into their correct and only topic when really… who gives a fuck?

Its got to the point where the smallest thing is picked upon and switched into a negative or a reason to argue about which to be honest i really cant be fucked to argue back because my stress levels are through the roof and I’m really not in the mood for it.

someone also mentioned the word “Pub” which i’d not heard in a long time, and agreed to go. but due to things taking too long that plan changed into home. Thing is i really needed some alcohol because I cant take any more today. The down side is that there is nobody else here, something i was kinda hoping to happen to lift my spirits up because I’m really not cool right now, but meh its happened before, im sure it will happen again – and that’s positive because with sight of it happening again, it means this time wont be the last.

I also cut my hair last night/this morning so i look more of an idiot than normal. My hair was getting annoying so in the state of randomness i decided to shave it off. It is very short now. I know i dont suit it but just the shock of some people is weird.

I’ve had a couple of shots and a fair bit of my Apple Smirnoff and Dr Pepper. I think i may be able to finish the bottle tonight,either that or i’ll drink myself to sleep.

To pick me up i’m attempting the escape route. I’m putting The Mighty Boosh on my projector.

Been and Cajon


So today was nice.

I went back to sleep after my post, and then got woke by the postman. by 7:20 he’s been and Cajon (Gone). Get it… cause he came with a Cajon (a drum you sit on and play) for me, so now i can play the sound of my beating heart or the latest Labrinth tune when i get grumpy.

After a small tap about to songs on the radio, I thought I’d better stop making to much noise and get into uni to complete the drama.

We bounced it all down and is ready to do with what ever we want to do with it. I’d like to put it on mixcloud but I am not sure if thats the case with everyone else.

I then went to watch Iron Man 3 (again) This time with Robin and Jelmer. We had issues finding a pub to hag around in at first because the lady wouldnt let Robin in due to ID issues, which is really stupid because it is so obvious he is not 16 or something.

Thats kind of where the day has taken me really. Nothing special. No shiney ponies approached me. I’m just ready to go to bed and hope that my throat is still not in pain in the morning.

As far as Iron man 3… again it was a cool film, i managed to pick out bits that i forgot last time. There was a lot of coincidences with our drama strangely enough. In our Drama we had the line “42 bananas from tescos”… the number 42 being a subtle Hitchhikers Guide reference. Iron man was in suit 42. He also used the word “Tinkering” a few times, which we did, and also just the humor in it was very us.

Oh and one more thingg. I hate public toilets (again) I may have gone on about these before for the piss on the floor, but something today, I really cant go to the toilet when other people are watching or in there. I tried a few times before when nobody was in but i had trouble with it just coming out. I always have. So i started trying to put thoughts in my head when i was in there like “Theres nobody in here, its ok” and “nobody is watching”. But when i went into the ones at the cinema it was like “Oh dont worry about it, he’s got his cock out too” and it put me off. I couldnt do it so i sneeked into the cubicle when nobody was looking. So awkward though ūüė¶

Right… i can feel my eyes getting out so its sleep time. Yayaya

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In the middle of the night


Its 3:30 am and shortly after my last post, i fell asleep. I’m still quite tired now but my gland is really hurting.

My throat has been in pain the last 3 days, probably a contributing factor of me being as moody as i have been.

I’ve been remembering bits of my dreams from the night before. There was something to do with me squeezing a lemon and filling the glass all the way to the top with juice and then drinking it and everyone being impressed that i¬†achieved¬†the whole process.

I’m in that situation where im hungry but i dont think i could swallow anything else today. I had some honey and black current. I really dont want to craxk open the lemsip because that will give me an alergic reaction, but at this rate i couldnt care less because my gland hurts to buggery.

pretty much good


So today has been the worst as far as moods go. When i used to get like this i used to stay in bed all day. I’ve managed to not do that til now today though. I had a lay down again at uni to try and get some energy back but it didn’t work this time.

Today included our drama being played, which got a cool reaction. The banana joke got loads of laughs (Its not the standard banana/penis joke either) and yeah, it was pretty much good, just a couple of niggles but considering how much work went into it, and getting ourselfs into it, we were destined to have lots of everything.

I’m looking forward to the comedy social next week. Lets see what happens with that. We got some cool things going on.

Thats me pretending to be positive finished with.

Here i go again


Things that i remember from the last day or so:

  • Package (Yes this is still issuing be)
  • Helicopter dick – Thanks Alex
  • Friend Dan Ayshford being in a civil partnership with me on Facebook thanks to a Frape
  • Iron Man
  • Editing
  • Feeling tired
  • Looking Fat while i has a rest in the radio room
  • Little things making me feel rubbish
  • Feeling alone/not being able to relate
  • Being glad to get home, but enjoyed editing

I was trying to think of something i could do with my blog. One idea was like confessions thing. Maybe this could be weekly. I think it’s because theres stuff i want to say and make sense of, and i’d rather it be in the open rather than keeping it secret. The other thing is that this might be a really really bad idea, being open sucks because nobody cares and I probably thought of it because I’m all emotional and flappidy.

One thing i did¬†realize¬†from the¬†counseller¬†session yesterday is that I don’t like being by myself. I know it’s something thats been bothering me but I’ve not really wanted to say. I want to start watching Comedy and do something with my time that will cheer me up. If it¬†wasn’t¬†for comedy (Or at least making my own comedy and watching improv on TV), being able to poke fun out of myself and using my imagination to my own entertainment I genuinly I’d have no hope in life. I’d probably rather be dead because its only just now i’m discovering how bad things really were.

My main problem though is that as I’m not confident by myself or when i’m not trying to impress anyone I lose all confidence and get anxious, and inside me, i feel like a small child lost in a shopping centre. Worst sinareo is that my throat starts swelling, and my mood drops so low that i actually could cry. Not something that I’m not proud of. It happened last year at Wychwood Festival.

I spoke to my friend who loves comedy mega, knows billions of comedians. We seem to be a little bit the same in lots of ways, and said that i should go to comedy by myself as it’s fun. I can get that, theres nobody else there to ruin it and you can go just because of the passion and enjoyment, which I think i would one day, but i cant explain to anyone why or whatever because its so much to take in. I cant even start and maintain a conversation with some people and i think they dont know what to say to me either. I cant expect everyone to be understanding and i dont want to sound desperate or anything to have friends or hang around with anyone. I cant just expect anyone I wanted to associate with to go “yeah alright then”. I’m just going to withdraw from the world again i think. Even putting how i feel in public, lots of people would be like “Oh stop complaining”. Maybe i am thinking too much into this. When i’m having an emotional time and tired i start reading too much into it. The key thing is that i know that. I bet she doesnt complain how bad life is or stuff so maybe we’re not kinda the same, but she’s cool all the same. hello if you are reading this and sorry if i am a pain the the arse, i think i am.

Yeah its a depressy one today. So? apparently im allowed to feel bad and this is¬†completely¬†totally fine… like the paranoid android posts. The thing is if its ok then it’s ok to totally blog about how shit i think everything is and how bad i feel about the things inside that effect me. It’s like i’m constantly kicking myself in the balls. I’m really frustrated with myself because i know that people dont like people who feel like i do, seen as weirdos (and i know i am already) and wouldnt be suprised if nobody wanted to associate with me – See… I’m marvin :/

The good stuff for all you positive people, Well editing is nearly done. We’re about 80%. Was hoping to get the edit totally done tonight but it was quite a lot to complete. Looking forward to getting it played tomorrow

I’m really tired. I am going to sleep. Bye then.

I’m blogging you at 3am


Ok, well maybe nearer to 4am but the reminder of a busted song was too much temptation.

So I watched Iron Man 3 which was pretty cool, it was pretty funny in the right places which was good. I could feel my headache growing as the film started so i took my glasses off, had a little play with my hair and managed to watch it all the way through. I was worried that i would fall asleep being a midnight screening.

You should defiantly go and see it. 

Right, i need to be in uni about 9/10ish so i am going to get as much sleep as i can. Laters yooo.

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What are words worth… Words


So compaired to the rest this is an early blog, as i shall be out past midnight watching Ironman 3. I saw number 2 but never seen the first one. 

Today’s fun was more editing, eating sweets and talking to the counceller again.

I think my post about my personality and stuff may have been a partial reaction to last weeks session, and today has been pretty interesting. The thing is i am kind of interested in that kind of thing so it’s weird seeing that certain things are connected. We also spoke about something that strangely one of my friends said about a few days ago about that i should kind of face my feelings, but i already have, to the point that it has too much. But we spoke about comedy and how i express things and experiences through that and turn the bad things in life on their head. The down side to that is when i dont need to perform to anyone and i’m in my own little world sitting on my bead in my underware eating icecream and watching films, that is when there is an issue of the past invading my life and things i’d rather forget about. From what i am aware though for someone who has had a bad experience through their childhood and teenage life making jokes but putting on the mask is something that happens.

Today i heard the word “Package” a lot. It made me feel really uncomfortable and i dont know why but i really got uncomfortable. I then ask that everyone stop saying the word “Package” because of it and to use the term of what they meant, a feature or drama or news feature. It just makes me cringe. So then i was accused of having a dirty mind.

I will be honest, my mind does associate things with other things very quickly and this word seemed to associate it with that. so adding words onto it can almost bring me to the point of being sick. It gives me that feeling of¬†overwhelming¬†disgust¬†up my spine and in my¬†shoulders. I wouldn’t say it was dirty, i just think it is the way i think. I was accused also of being conditioned or that i had issues around it, NO! its just a word, Words trigger stuff in my head and the associations are just something i think i have grown with.

Right i think id better get out of my shorts and find some decent night time clothes.

 

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I SAW A FOX


I’M EXCITED!!!!

I’m all bouncy like a rubber ball, i come bouncing back to you (Ooh, ooh ooh ooh, ooh)

Been editing the drama today and really been having some fun doing it. I know it is really sad but I love it. I don’t care if anybody else thinks its geeky… I’m looking forward to getting it finished and i love editing and finding all the sounds and mixing it all together. Comedy is my passion like this, i love making people laugh just through the sounds and dialogue and the bits of music. It needs to be done by Friday and today we were in the radio studio until midnight editing.

I’m also looking forward to the comedy society stuff on Tuesday which is going to be really fun. I have no idea what is going on with that yet.

I want to make some independent productions over the summer. I have no idea how I’m going to do it but hoping to make some money off it. Maybe i should look into putting together a business plan, see if anyone else wants to give it a go and look into getting some funding up.

What else about today? Woke up to a text message designed to ruin my day up, and also spent the day messing about with facebook. There were a few people I had enough of to be honest and i really hate that almost everyone was photobombing. I fucking hate it, what happened to the days where you could just read every ones text. At least thats what tweet deck is like.

By the way I SAW A FOX! It was bigger than i expected, I thought it was an oversized cat at first. It wasnt, it was an actual fox. I wonder how foxes are un-noticed in the day. You’d expect them to be noticed somewhere.

Also, where to Foxes, Moles, Rabbits, Badgers, Hedgehogs, frogs and things go to die? I mean, you dont see then scatterd everywhere (unless they were hit by a car). We dont mo the lawn and discover a pile of dead hedgehogs that have all gone to the same place to expire. There isnt a warehouse of dead decaying beasties, so where have they all gone? Is there a man that goes around to collect all of them? Do they go to die in the river and get washed out to rocks and end up in the thames? Never figured that one out.

Right. Instead of the planned continual editing, i should probably sleep instead so i can be awake for tomorrow.

Being a good boy


It feels like that i’ve been on constant work for the last 2 weeks, and tomorrow it continues. We need to get our radio drama completed, The plan is wednesday but I’m not sure. I think this blog is 100% proof that i am emotionally knackered.

I’ve been frustrated again, which i think is down to the non-stopness. I know my emotional state is down do how much sleep i get in a night which usually ends up to be a 9 or 10 hour sleep but i’ve had about 6 a night recently and still half asleep as i get up and get dressed. Its a¬†miracle¬†that i turn up to uni wearing clothes and being in a reasonable state to be in public. Not chattering total crap. Thats happened before, like the time i came in and announced i liked the moon on facebook. Damn you lack of sleep. This has yet to happen recently but be warned.¬†

Today included visiting some people in a pub and talking about newspapers, completing a radio magazine assignment and doing my radio show.

I’ve just finished my icecream, this was the only food i had in other than some pepsi and apple smirnoff vodka which i might add i have only had a tiny bit of (regarding my new years thing) and also my pepsi counts as my allowed normal pepsi because iv had the bottle for a week.

I need to go to bed now so i dont want food because i have none in, unless i want cheezy spagetti, which i dont because i’m being good with cheese too. Yay for weight loss. I need to start getting stricter now

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sugar coated robin relyant bits


Iv just realized that I took my glasses off in a different place than normal so I may have difficulty finding them tomorrow. Im havingna well deserved lay in tomorrow,  but I need to be in at uni at 12.

Im not 100% that im proud with my yesterdays blog, I think I am but i dont want anyone to think im weird. I think as far as the blog goes I should draw a line under it and move on. Maybe put the rest in my secretblog and battle it out in my head,

I just finished one of the tubs of left over icecream I got, parlines and cream hagandas feels like eating fiber glass chunks, its horrible, the taste is ok I suppose but the chunks are unnecessary. If I wanted to eat sugar coated robin relyant bits id have had the milkshake ages ago.