I was gonna put this on the website but i cant do it yet so…
BIG DRUG HORRORNESS IN COPPERDOLLY SUPERMARKETS AND OTHER PLACES
Report by Jonathan Robinson and Carrie Meaddow
The Helicopter nightly News said today it can reveal the widespread use of class A drugs in Copperdolly supermarkets, public buildings, nightclubs, toilets, Carparks, rooftops, fields, skys and roads.
We carried out spot checks for cocaine in 31 venues. Thirty-nine tested positive. The Helicopter Nightly News investigation using swabs that detect the horible drugs and deadly substances on toilet lids, systems toilet-roll holders, fingernails and drugholders.The red swabs turn blue if cocaine is present and stays red if none, abit like a pregnancy test but diffrent. They are 106 per cent accurate and the coppers use them every day!
We found traces of Coke everywhere, under the sink, in the car, on pound coins, in sick, nightspots, two supermarkets, a McDonlad’s restaurant, Woolywhoos, The Helicopter news offices and two public toilets. There was also a positive reading at the birds toilets at Copperdolly Magistrates’ Court, Judge Micheal Roberts was caught. Paul “The Stain” Fox, from Copperdolly Druggie Team, said: “We know that theres cocaine users in Copperdolly, just like every town and city in the uk, so it comes as no surprise, although Wollys was a tiny suprise.”I will not accept this rubish from people who use our councils facilities for this but i in’t superman or supprised. ”who ever has done this, i will hunt you down”
A court person spills his guts and said: “Lots of people take drugs, i don’t, not ever.SHARON!!!” was he lieing’?
Mr Apple from Alsa, where toilet lids in the male and female lavatories tested positive, said:”Yeah I know, great an’t it ”We expect to see Coke on the shelves in our anals, not in customer toilets.”
Supermarket toilets are open to the general public, If ya didn’t Know.
Mr J Siansbuy’s said: “We did’nt know! It wasnt me. Who was it. Was it you? Or you? Stop it now.”This was echoed by Mr Woolywhoos of Woolwhoos’s in Halifax, which also tested positive.”We didn’t know who done it,” he said.
Ronald McDonlad of McDonlad’s said he’s taking the matter very seriously,by re-curling his red hair and will be running about with a duster and a boom box, and would be supprised if duster didn’t work. He suspects the hamburlger is to blame as he’s a dirty, lazy swine.
And bar and club owners also promised to step up checks on cubicles. A spokesperson for Binkariddles said: ” were gonna have to give everone a strip search in the streets before anyone comes in, we will not for all staff because we think we trust mosr of our staff”
And a spokeswoman for the Planet mars said they would only take a “zero-tolerance” approach Just everyone that has coats although it makes no difference what ever we do”.
But the manager of the Cerladiaskis said they took right loads of changes to make it harder for druggies and chaves come in. He said: “Where we can, we will removed all flat surfaces and made ’em wobley and bulit a arch in the toilet, the lids of the toliets are bumppy and gross. We can also use E12 on surfaces and on difficult customers, which cause substances to dissolve flesh from the inside and other parts of the body, including the toilet lids them self, so much infact we have desolved all the toilets on porpose at coliseum for a reason of no existence. We carry out random spot checks with a team of un-trained dogs that are secretly hidden under the sinks and at back of toliets. “we do spot checks for a reason, the reason is the worlds going to bend.”
Mr Alpaculiculkin, manager of the Alpaculiculkin, said they had a sweety drugs policy. He said: “In the last six weeks we have had three sessions of drug-taking on our premises and it were great.” More Coke was collected in Helicopter Bus Station toilets (where the chavs go and the mosher crew stays fermly away) owned by bus company “John Fast”, and the Spencer Square toilets, also a chav hotspot, run by Copperdolly Council. All of the members in this article are chavs and moshers.A spokesman for “John Fast” said the area outside the toilets was covered by security cameras, before chavs stole them.”They come to fool around with chavs and the mosher loans he said.A spokesman for Copperdolly Council said: “I know, what am i supposed to do about it, stop them my self? but what can i do? iam rally important you know, Take Them dogs away from me. The managers of The Monkey bar and Robertsons were unavailable to comment on the readings found at their premises, as they were high on the stuff at the time and the bbc said couldn’t track them down, but now we cant find them either.